Cruising….

Well we are on our way to begin our Disney Cruise. Greg and I planned the cruise back in February sometime. At that moment I thought it would be good for the kids. As time has gone on, I realize it’s really a lot for me. The kids have adjusted well, better than me over these last few weeks and I really need to disconnect for a bit. We have just been going and going for such a long time. Even as much as we travelled last year there was still the presence of Greg’s cancer so we were never completely free. Today we have nothing to hold us back. Absolutely no schedule since we are not working around school or jobs. Silly thing it is a little weird. I am sure I will adjust.

I am really excited about the cruise. It is the only thing I could think of where the three of us could go and truly relax. I wasn’t sure I was going to get it together by myself. Greg always took care of the important stuff like tickets, packing and getting us to the airport. We made it on time thanks a to our other Foster driver. That is along with the other eight hundred thousand people flying out on a holiday weekend. So it took a while to get bags checked and through security. We did fine and even had time to go to the bathroom. So we are stopping to get some snacks before getting on the plane. It seemed like we had plenty of time. I almost thought we were at the wrong gate because there wasn’t anyone waiting. Then a voice said you made it!?! Ssa it turns out they were closing the doors and web slid in just in time. Ugh. So I did manage to get us all there. I will let you know if I missed a lot. on thing we won’t be short on is fun!!!!

Just an Update

Hey, in case you didn’t know life moves on. It’s always fun to say except when you might want it to slow down a little bit. I just looked at the calendar to see how long it’s been since Greg’s passing.  It was exactly six weeks ago yesterday. That sort of surprised me. It still seems like yesterday and forever. 

I am getting used to the idea that he won’t be stepping in the door at any moment. I have released my grip on a few select things in the house but for the most part his things still represent comfort and they probably will for a long time. So instead of moving his stuff, I have pretty much torn up every other room in the house. I have lots of piles of our things that are going bye-bye. I had a large pile of boxes that we had been saving for a long time in the basement. After I put them out yesterday for the trash I was a little worried our neighbors might send out for a shopping intervention. There were probably 20 boxes of all sizes and contents out on the street. So far no one has knocked on the door with a film crew.

We are also winding down the school year. Garrett is no longer a pre-schooler and it’s off to Kindergarten to follow in Kate’s steps. They are going to do awesome, especially together. It’s so funny how they have made their own adjustments over these last six weeks. They know without question daddy is gone but we all still talk about him everyday. We talk about what he would like or something that he had said to them. The other things they really like to do is going to visit his grave.  It takes a while for the ground to settle so there  isn’t a marker yet. Even so the kids really enjoy reading about the others who are also buried there and we got to see five huge wild turkeys running around.  Interestingly enough,  I didn’t like seeing it messy so I cleaned off the old flowers a couple of weeks ago and laid some sod. And, if you knew Greg, you knew he was quite a grass guy. Well, I certainly set the bar high! It takes a lot of work and water to get the grass situated and growing. Thankfully we have had lots of rain over the last couple weeks and I have watered in between. So it’s hard not to miss his “spot” for the bright green grass growing! Makes me a little proud. Hopefully I can keep it up.

Yesterday Garrett had an end of the year show and I didn’t like going myself. It was always important to Greg to attend those type of school activities.  I am not sure he even missed one. Today when I picked Garrett up it was almost like saying good-bye to a part of Greg also. Noonday Christian Academy has been our kids home away from home for four years. Greg loved, loved everyone there and was very grateful that we had chosen that particular school for the kids. We talked often about how different things might have been under different circumstances.

It still amazes me how many people Greg touched. I still have letters, cards, and people telling me how much he meant. God is taking my void that I was feeling all over the place and filling it with wonderful memories. I think the coolest thing that I am realizing is how much he became a part of who I am. When we got married it was for better or worse, richer or poorer, etc. but I love knowing that not only were we together he truly rubbed off on me. Now instead of feeling the emptiness I am beginning to just see him subtly woven into all the corners of our life.

Nothing has changed, except everything

It seems thing are getting sticky for me as times move on. I think the hardest part is that, in theory, not a lot has not changed but the impact is in everything. We are in the same house, with the same schedule, driving the same cars, going to the same schools, almost as if Greg is just out on a business trip or otherwise occupied somewhere else. I know that sounds crazy but it’s the way it feels most days. Even on the days we visit the cemetery. I even looked at some pictures taken in September when he looked really well and could not grasp that he is actually gone in that moment.

So the void is everywhere. The tough thing is figuring out how to adjust to a new life. Greg wanted so much for us to be comfortable, and we are. He wanted things to be an easy transition for the kids, they were. He didn’t want us to be overwhelmed with sadness, we aren’t. But our life with him had a distinct end; even though we haven’t quite gotten on that train. As prepared as we were for the sickness and his passing, I didn’t spend a minute on how to move on from the life we lived. As sweet friend reminded me this week, it’s because none of these changes were by choice. I still feel married because I didn’t want the marriage to end. But the reality is that I am single, a widow with two kids. And quite frankly, I am not sure what that looks like! No offense but it’s hard to wrap my mind around just saying the word widow about myself. I don’t really know too many widows although I have met a few recently and they don’t have two heads. But sad as I am to say, being called a widow implies a sad and difficult existence to me. Can you tell I have not been educated much on the subject? And, I don’t have any plans to live a sad and difficult existence. (Just sayin’…) So I guess I will have to continue to noodle things out and see where we end up. The learning curve seems extremely high at the moment.

One other thing that really jumps out at me is that I have been really fixated on things that were really important to Greg. As it turns out most of them might have been considered annoyances or silly for the most part two years ago. Right now they just make sense to me. I guess because they were so specific to him that it brings comfort and reminds me of him. Having said that, I am a car washing, grass watering, ice cream eating, filter changing, bill paying, 8 hours a night sleeping woman these days.

I hope no one takes for granted the time you have to spend with your other half. It’s amazing how things that are not important to one, can take on a whole new meaning when they are absent!

PS- the kids are doing well and not stuck in the time warp. Although these days they expect anyone who shows up at our house to be bearing gifts! Spoiled much??

The Thaw

During Greg’s illness I was part of an online support group whose members were either caretakers or patients dealing with Brain Cancer in some form or another. I didn’t do a lot of supporting. I didn’t really have much to add but I did ask questions here and there. I was mostly fascinated with their personal experiences and the way they were dealing with their own situations.  At the beginning of the year the group suffered quite a few losses. Each time someone passed away their families would post that they got there “wings”. No one was claiming a specific denomination or religion, just that another angel got their wings. I guess you almost have to be an angel to rage a battle with Brain Cancer. It’s quite a beast in its own way. Once it takes hold it steals little pieces of the person you love. Then one day you try to remember when exactly it took place, but they are gone. Greg never really left us in his spirit but somewhere in the mix of things I lost track of the guy in the pictures on my wall. The one who was vibrant and active.  The one I never had to second guess because he was so stinking dependable.

No matter how much we knew what was going to happen, there is no real way to prepare for it. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks in a sort of shock. I guess stunned might actually be a better word. Sadly it’s beginning to wear off. As it does I am experiencing a lot more sad moments and just times when I miss Greg. It’s not been overwhelming at all nor am I spending time sad overall. I have embraced the times when it comes and tried to work through the moments. Everyone keeps telling me I will be sad for all the firsts… the first fathers day, birthday, Christmas. Right now I miss him in the quiet times.

I know that everyone has been super concerned for the kids but I promise they are doing well. I am beyond grateful that they are at a the perfect age to go through this kind of loss. Young enough not to bear the burden of his illness and death yet old enough to have specific memories of who he was. Notice I didn’t say “suffer” this kind of loss. We told them what to expect. I am guessing those expectations were met because they haven’t had a lot of questions. In fact, they don’t think they have lost him at all. They know where he is; in heaven. So they are waiting until they will see him again. I love the childlike faith. I hope they will always feel the same way.

Silence is Loud!

I think we have finally shed most of the mandatory things related to Greg’s illness. Therefore the last few days have been really, really quiet.  We don’t have the constant flow of people through the house and checking in.  It seems like everyone is probably giving us a break as well. I havent had the inclination to go through any of Greg’s things yet. It is a comfort to see all the things that were his in their respective places so they will stay in place indefinately. And tired set in by the end of last in a BIG way. It’s taken a couple of days but I am also beginning to feel human again. Resting has also caught me up on my mostly full DVR!

We are starting to get used to being a threesome instead of a foursome. There are things about being a single parent that I didn’t realize because not matter how many hours you spend alone with the kids it ends when your other half comes home. Even if they are in the bed there is something comforting about having a second set of hands and eyes in the house. Not to mention it’s not as easy as I thought being fun and being the hammer at the same time. Typically, I was not the heavy in the house so it’s a new idea for me. Silly that the times I really miss Greg are when it’s crazy and not quiet.  Thankfully we have wonderful kiddies and they are really just being kids. Now it’s just my job to figure my things out from my end.

Moving towards peace and quiet

So I did survive Monday. I think it was good to go through the emotions. I have been on auto pilot for quite a while. Not that I haven’t been emotional or sad just there has always been a higher priority and no time for just thinking through things. The last couple days continue to be busy but I think we are seeing the light. I at least have the counter tops clean and the plants somewhat in order. It was looking like a jungle in the foyer for a while. I think the kids are enjoying having my full attention again. As the last months and weeks past they kept losing ground to taking care of Greg. They seem to be much more calm over these last days and I am enjoying them all over again.

For those of you who don’t know last Friday was Greg’s 45th birthday. Kate had come to me right at the beginning of April talking about Greg’s birthday. She really wanted to celebrate it. In fact, she came to me the week before and said “mommy, can we celebrate daddy’s birthday even if he is not here?”. Of course I said yes. So, we had an impromptu birthday celebration last Friday. Kate wanted cake and balloons; 45 balloons….Kids!! So we came up with a cool idea. Greg’s sister and her husband filled up 45 balloons with helium. We kept them in the basement as people came they wrote a message on them to Greg for his birthday. Then we gathered everyone together sang happy birthday and then let them fly!!! The kids loved it and so did I.

My sweet brother got a video of it. I think I could watch it over and over.

Fun times in the midst of chaos!

Digging out

It’s been 10 days since Greg went home. 10 days surrounded by family and friends. 10 days of thinking of what I needed to do next. 10 days of listening and enjoying what everyone thought or felt about Greg. 10 days of busy times.

Today is my first real day alone. So far so good. I woke up late (I am never late) and had to rush Kate out the door to the bus. I made Garrett lunch even though they were having a special Chick Fil a lunch (nothing new). I think I ate something weird yesterday because I just don’t feel that good today. I have spent the entire day in the office trying to make sense of everything I have put to the side over the last 6 months or so. There is still much to do. In all of this, I miss Greg. I have missed him for a long time in an abstract way but understood the consequences of his illness and tried to put it into perspective. So grief is coming slowly at this point.

It’s funny the things I thought would make me sad have been ok. I have walked past the remnants of the medical supplies, read cards that people have sent, and even put together sweet things the kids did for him without really feeling overly emotional. And yes, I am still on the happy “Zoloft” pills but it doesn’t prevent crying; I promise. So, as I am sort through the desk trying to figure out how to arrange things easier (Greg was a lefty and I am a righty). I opened up a drawer and was moving some legal pads that Greg used to write in. He never really finished one pad. He would just pick up the closest one to make any notes he was thinking of at the moment so there are a lot floating around. He was quite a list writer. In the drawer with some others, was a plain green spiral binder.  As I flipped through it I quickly realized it was his notebook for work where he made notes of things he needed to do and then marked them off. The date on the first page was 10/7/2010. Once I started thinking about it I realized that was about the time he stated showing symptoms. He had filled the entire book with notes and the last date was August 2011. Interestingly enough,  that was the time we found out his cancer had returned. There was also a break between February and March when he had surgery.

The two things jumped out at me. One was the fact that he had work notes in there on 2/9 – two days before we found out about the cancer. The second were all the little personal notes sprinkled between the work list. Call so and so, buy dad a card for fathers day, ask off work for our July trip, someone’s birthday, etc. I was overwhelmed in a whole new way at just what he was doing, all the while battling cancer. I lived it with him and knew it in a sense but this was such a reminder of the kind of man he was. So I hugged my sweet green spiral binder and weeped. I miss him and love him more in his absence today. I am glad for quiet times of grief as I dig out.