SPOILER: A total MOM moment…

 

Kate Foster playing her first Soccer League

For anyone who knows the “Myers” side of our family, you know that we two Myers girls came by competitive spirit honestly growing up with five brothers. Not to mention, my dad is a total sports freak, so we were no stranger to all kinds of sports. I remember watching football as a kid thinking there was only 10 minutes left…. Ugh, longest 10 minutes EVER. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am all about tennis at the moment. I play as much as I can, win, lose, or draw and love it! Sports is in my blood.

So, when Kate was about four years old and could almost bleed “pink”, I accepted that she just may not be that into sports and I better start learning how to play barbies. There are still more dolls in my house than I remember seeing my first 15 years of life. Fast forward five years… we have tried T-ball, cheer, tumbling, piano etc. and she would be into it but fizzle out after the first couple practices. My rule has always been, if you start – you finish, no quitting mid-season which has lead to many discussions about having to follow through.

So when she told me she wanted to play soccer I was good with it but didn’t know how it would go. Her brother plays too and he has been a natural at pretty much anything that has to do with a ball since birth. Although his stint in T-Ball is good for comedy skits now days for the slowest base “saunterer” in the world. Kate also said she didn’t want to play the “no score” league like Garrett did when he started; she wanted to jump right in the real deal. So I signed her up for U10 at NASA for her first real organized sport experience.  We chose NASA for Garrett because he really needed the extra competition at age 7 so I was a little concerned for her. Thankfully we have a great team but she is the only one who hasn’t played before.

Last week was the first game and she rocked it! She had three break aways and a nice assist to a teammate for a goal. Her team won big, 14-4. As I watched I could see her figuring things out and it was great! I was THAT crazy mom. My throat hurt from cheering. I could not be more proud of how hard she played her first game out! That is until this week…game two. This week they played a much harder team and I saw her work even harder. She had five goal attempts and was in the mix whenever she could be. She went from waiting for the ball to see what was going happen to calling for it! You could almost see the light go on as she played on and her confidence grew. At one point, I just got all choked up for her accomplishment. I don’t know that I had ever had that particular emotion before.

You know, I don’t care if she ever plays more than one season of soccer. For the record, I never learned how to do the Barbie thing either! And there are times when being a single mom just gets all over me and I am ridiculously frustrated. I think “how in the world am I going to be able to raise these kids”. Then you have the chance to be your child’s biggest cheerleader. It is a beautiful thing to watch your child grow and develop in front of your eyes! In that moment, you realize what a big deal it is to be a parent.  It is in the small moments when you get a glimpse into the person they are becoming and those times of frustration melt away and you keep on…

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The Holidays – Take Two

I have no idea how it got to be November already. I don’t even know where fall went and now there are Christmas decorations up every where! 

It made me think back to last year at this time. As I look back I realize that we were doing fine, even good, as a family. We had gotten into a groove and everything was clicking along. The kids had adjusted well, but for me personally, I was still in a daze. For those who know me I can be a little stubborn! I think I was so determined to be “okay” that i was going to do it whether I wanted to or not. We traveled so much in 2012 that it was impossible to settle in. And my M.O. is usually to get away to cope (out of sight, out of mind) but it didn’t change anything here. So I decided that this year we were hanging around the house and hitting things head on.  And we have done well with that; just two trips so far. 

There is one thing I really wanted to be able to articulate to the kids over this last year; how lucky they are. I know they lost their dad. It stinks and I would have never chosen that for them.  They ate, breathed, and slept all those days and nights just like I did however there are lots of kids and people who have it much worse than we do. They have parents the chose not to be around, or perhaps having a difficult time financially, or even just being born or raised in a lesser environment. So last year, in January, I asked our Pastor if he would be willing to take us with him the next time he went to Haiti. There is an orphanage there that his daughter is heavily involved with. It seemed like a perfect way to see the other side of the coin. To show my kids what loss and being without is really like. That conversation seems like such a long time ago! Well, we are heading out to Haiti the first week in December; less that 4 weeks away. I am really excited and a little nervous but I know it will be one trip we/they will never forget. 

Last year the holidays seemed daunting and this year they seem manageable (I will let you know how that goes afterwards.) Most of all I am looking forward to my new set of eyes after our trip and to see how the holidays look in comparison! 

Hope everyone is well! 

Michelle

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Those “firsts”

This is the longest I have gone between blogs. Not really because I don’t have anything to say but mostly because I think I am frustrated!! I try not to get too engrained in standards. I know that there is usually a guide or a rule to guide us with but what I am finding out is that it’s not really what I imagined it to be.

To back up a bit, when Greg was diagnosed, we had lots of suggestions. There was medical evidence and results to show us a path. We had to choose whether to follow. Being a widow is so much different. Everyone likes to say (out of kindness), “the firsts” are the hardest. Interestingly, it doesn’t always come from other people who have been widowed. Here is the catch:  it’s easy to rationalize and sign on to. It seems reasonable and makes sense.

Then you get through the first year waiting for the unexpected. Which is really expected since you have already been warned. And because you want to believe that one of those firsts is going to be the apex of your grief and get you rolling down the other side. Then you get through all the firsts and look back and think “whew… that was easier than I thought”. Not because you don’t deeply miss your husband but more so because you didn’t have a “drive by” melt down on one of those sneaky firsts.

Once you are in the second year you start hearing “the second year is sometimes harder than the first”. Really, Really? That’s great. So truth be told it has been harder for me, even in this last month or so. I want so much to mark things off a list and feel that we have done a good job. Not just for us but with Greg’s memory and legacy. We passed the normal benchmarks fairly well but now what? When is it ok to ……

Now come all the questions. My counselor told me that grief was the process of adjusting to life without the person you lost. Totally makes sense to me. He also said the loss creates a wound, especially since Greg and I were so close. So it’s like being torn apart. The wound has to heal over time along with all the adjusting. So, what I feel like I have learned is grief doesn’t go away. Over time it should lessen and soften. It is with you in the saddest of times and in the happiest of times. In some ways I feel like the unwelcome guest of his cancer has turned into my live in companion of sweet memories of Greg. It’s name has changed to grief. I have been avoiding my guest but now I hope I can start to embrace it, to learn from it, instead of being afraid of whether it will hurt or make me uncomfortable.

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The one year mark

How we Roll!!

So today is the one year mark from Greg passing quietly into heaven. I am sure that everyone, just like myself, is wondering what today would bring. And so far, it’s all good.

I decided to take a day away. So last night my dad stayed with the kids and I went to the hotel Greg and I went to the fall before he died. In case you are wondering, it’s been so great! I took some time and looked back over letters, emails, pictures the kids drew, and I even watched the memorial service. Here is what I came up with.

In life, we celebrate “anniversaries”… the accumulation of time, events, and memories. Of course, with the anniversary of a death that isn’t possible. I don’t miss Greg any more or less today than I did six months ago. I know it gets easier over time but there will always be the same void. So, six months from now, I will miss him in the same ways. Although, I was reminded that as a family, we made it one year. That is an important benchmark that I had not really thought about. Thank you Denise!

After watching the service I realized that there is something really great the hasn’t changed…. The “Celebration of a Life”; a life well lived. That is what I heard and saw in everything I looked at. As I have said in many ways this past year, we are blessed. As much as I would not have chosen this path it’s been an amazing journey. We had the absolute best of a terrible situation.

Here are a few things I am super grateful for over this past year:

1. The kids NEVER talk about their dad being sick. If you ask them what they remember they will say taking walks, kicking the ball, daddy’s hugs. Amazing.

2. Greg’s absence continues to remind me of ways I need to improve in my life. As independent as I am, being married to Greg made me look at myself in a different way.

3. A voice! Greg’s illness and journey had given us a way to be able to further his memory and his story. This blog is just a part of that and there are so many people who don’t have that opportunity to talk about their loved ones.

4. My extended family… I love the Foster’s as if they are my own flesh and blood. I can’t even imagine what life would be without them. Nor would the kids.

I miss Greg and will forever love him. I hope we never forget the intimate things that made his life and death so valuable. I will never get over the treasure he left in our children and friends. And I feel guilty sometimes with how much we have gained in spite of great loss.

Please continue to celebrate his LIFE — and know that Greg is in Heaven, smiling, encouraging and celebrating too.

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Love….

Since it is Valentine’s Day, I guess it’s appropriate to talk about love….

You may be wondering how I am feeling since it’s my first Valentine alone. Actually, I feel great!! I haven’t ever been a fan of Valentines. It forces people to do some silly things in the name of emotional love. It also disappoints a LOT of folks who don’t get their expectations met. Lastly, it honors superficial love. The kind that is fleeting and can be affected but something as small as candy or cards! Yuck!

Two years ago today, Greg and I were sitting in the surgeon’s office for pre-op. I didn’t even realize it was Valentine’s Day until we started looking at dates trying to figure out when he might be out of the hospital after surgery. Of course I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tease and I remember saying, “you sure know how to treat a girl!”. Last year, Greg had a significant decline right about now. He was visibly struggling with the cancer and no longer able to do much of anything on his own. He went out the week before Valentines with his best friend Rob to just spend some time hanging out. Rob has a coin shop and sometimes goes by other shops to trade merchandise. They stopped in a store and after talking with Greg, the owner of the shop gave him some earrings to give to me. Funny thing was, Greg was so overwhelmed that someone would give him something he broke down in tears as he gave them to me. He kept saying “I can’t believe he just gave them to me”.

Here is what I know about real love. (Notice I didn’t say “true” love…. I have no idea what that even means.)

* I have had and given real love.
* It’s not a feeling; it’s a choice.
* It doesn’t have anything to do with what you receive; it’s what you give out of the overflow of your heart.
* It is sacrificial and the sacrifice returns tenfold.

I vividly remember promising Greg that no matter what I would not leave his side. That was the day he was sent to the hospital; needless to say I had no idea what I was talking about. Although it was a rough, heart wrenching ride at times, it was also tender, sweet and filled with love that I can’t even describe. I have never felt more loved and cherished my whole life. One of the most rewarding things that I did was being able to sit and hold his hand the day he died. He had been unconscious for almost 36 hours but there we sat. I remember sitting there propping my feet up holding his hand for what seemed like forever. I don’t know if he knew I was there or not, but it didn’t matter. I was holding onto my promise.

You may not think you can do something like we did. And I hope and pray you never have to. But I do know that you can lay your life down for someone else. Take your desires, wants, needs and ideas; put them aside; even if just for a day. No expectations of anything in return. And you will slowly begin to see real love because it doesn’t come in a box or without work. But it does last forever.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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What we are thankful for…

Autumn has been an interesting time for me. As a family there have been a lot of beginnings and ends this time of year. Greg and I met and were also engaged in November. We moved into our house in October. We learned that Kate was coming two days before Christmas, and Garrett was born three days before New Years. That doesn’t even count all “given” events like Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday all the way through to Easter.

It also marks the beginning of our journey with family illness two years ago. Plus the beginning of the end of our journey with Greg’s illness last year. This time last year the cancer was taking over and there were lots of hard decisions facing us along with the last Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and so on.

Truth be told, these last few weeks have been a little tough. The holidays have crept up and I have gone through a lot of different emotions that I hadn’t planned for but shouldn’t come as a surprise. At the end of the day I feel thankfulness. It’s the antithesis to grief and keeps me focused on what is good and right in our lives. It keeps my perspective going in a healthy direction.

After seeing lots of posts on Facebook about what my friends are thankful for I thought I would try to throw some down!

Thankful for:

1. The hope we have in Jesus. Without THIS hope we would be failing miserably. Jerimiah 29:11 — For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

2. My amazing husband. Without Greg, and our combined experience, my life would not be so rich. As much as I miss him, his memory keeps me sharp and wanting to be a better me.

3. The most unbelievable kids a person could ask for. They have matured in ways kids shouldn’t have to but they were also spared the grief that we felt as adults and are thriving. They are priceless gifts beyond my wildest imagination.

4. My family that is constantly on guard in the background, ready to be called up at a moments notice.

5. Greg’s family, who I can’t imagine life without. Gram, Daudy, Denise and Jay. I deeply love you guys in ways I never knew as possible.

6. The best and sweetest friendships that a person could have… too many to name but know I love all of y’all!! Thank you for sticking by us even when it was terribly difficult. Could not have done it without you guys….

7. A wonderful church who has literally carried us on their back at times. Thank you for every prayer, thought, meal, word of encouragement, then and now!

8. Pastor Johnny, who took a personal interest in our family even with thousands of other members of the church to care for. Thank you for every prayer, text, email sent. Thanks you for making sure that we were cared for and the personal time and attention you lavished on Greg.

9. Solid Source Real Estate – I am grateful to be able to continue to work and be a part of making things happen for others doing something I love to do – be a real estate agent!

10. My sweet pets… Well you know how that is.

11. Being able to travel all over this year with my kids. Its been a crazy busy summer but we have done incredibly well.

12. For Greg taking such good care of us, even now in his absence. It makes it possible for us to do more than we could imagine.

13. Being able to give back, not just things, but being able to invest in others the way we were cared for – Cochran’s and Cooks’, you know who you are!!

14. A comfy home with everything we could need or want.

15. That we live in a world where memories can literally be captured. We have so much to remember in our lives with that it makes the “missing” easier.

16. Music, love me some tunes and love hearing our kids singing and dancing around the house.

17. Tennis

18. This Blog!

19. Coffee

Ok so now I digress…. Needless to say we have so, so many things to be thankful for. There will be bumps for us, especially for me, over these next 6 months or so. But we will keep our heads up and our tudily-doos (attitudes) in the right place so we can see all the bright things that are around us.

I hope everyone had a very “Thankful” Thanksgiving.

Love to all!

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Foster Updates….

If you know us,well, then you know it’s crazytown for the Fosters pretty much all the time. To be fair, it’s also because I have realized that I can pretty much make a “story” out of anything. No, I am not embellishing. I just have a knack for making something mundane into a story. Also, I have not been as quick about posting. We are simply adjusting and half the time I think, really… does anyone want to know that? I am behind with a few things so bear with me whilst I catch up.

So here is the general update:

Garrett was released to walk again mid September although it’s been a slow go. He was  really reluctant to put full weight on his leg and wasn’t  bending his knee much despite four physical therapy appointments. There was improvement but not as much as they would have liked. So at his one month check up after being released they found a couple of places the rods were irritating his knee and making it hurt. Ugh. The next week the little guy had his second surgery to remove the rods. Good news was that his bone was 99% healed so he was on the right path. The second surgery was two weeks ago and he has been running around ever since. His movement has improved dramatically since his rods were removed and sometimes I can’t see a limp at all. YEA!

The end of September, we took our third family vacation to Destin with our sweet friends. It was the best vacation so far although (I seem to use although a lot. Would someone let me know if there is a better transition word?) Although, we did encounter a few bumps. If you have been following this for a while you might remember that Kate was sick last time we went to Destin with Greg (a year ago May). She specifically told me that she hoped she wouldn’t be sick at the beach this time. I assured her she wouldn’t because that was a virus. Enter boy who throws up on her leg the day we are leaving… Seriously??? Kate woke me up super early, the first day, crying saying she wanted to go home. As it turns out she was sick and needed to throw up. So, day number one was spent with Kate throwing up every 20 minutes. It took most of the day to convince her that going to the beach doesnt’ make girl throw up…thankfully we only had one day of that!

The other fun thing we did while we were gone was try to find our missing puppy who also escaped back at home the same day. I never thought for a minute that he could or would for that matter get out. It was a pain just to try to get him out the door when were home much less without added encouragement. I felt so badly for our sweet friend who was taking care of our dogs and her family. They scoured the neighborhood and did everything we might have done in our absence.

As it turns out, a delivery driver from Macy’s picked our puppy up off the street. The driver tried to find who he belonged to. No one really knew he was ours so they were unsuccessful so they jumped into the truck and took him along. After a few days of phone call we were able to figure out who has him and coordinate his return due to a super nice manager in the delivery department. Yes it’s a sweet story but I really learned something. I was really upset by the fact that I didn’t know where our puppy was. We had just gotten him so we weren’t super attached but the fact that he was simply gone we making me crazy. It was really hard until we knew he was safe and not taken away by a coyote or something. It made me realize how hard it must be for other people, wives, children who lose a loved one suddenly. We were spared that sadness and anxiety by having full knowledge of what we were dealing with when we learned Greg was sick. I have always been super grateful that we had the time but now I see it as even more of a priceless gift. We have been so protected in spite of a challenging  journey. I believe it will continue and I hope that I will also continue to see the grace that was provided to us in retrospect as it is revealed in other stiuations.

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Quality of Life

Since the moment Greg was diagnosed with terminal cancer we talked of quality of life.  We made our decisions based on it. We cried over it. And thankfully we lived it. Even so, I have begun to realize that it’s a lost art. Not only is quality of life lost on us, it actually requires effort, time and most importantly, consideration.

qual·i·ty/ˈkwälətē/ 

Noun:

The standard of something as measured against other things of a similar kind; the degree of excellence of something: “quality of life”.

 If you google the word “Quality”, this is the first thing that pops up. I love that it mentions life. Even more wonderful, it uses the word excellence. Another word that seems lost these days.

Greg was all about quality. Not only in his illness but in life in general and often in the small things. We used to joke about how it wasn’t good for him to go shopping. He would alway pick the most expensive/well-built item we were looking for. It used to be a joke but now its a beautiful reminder of what was an integral part of his spirit. He looked for quality and excellence; and also expected is from others. That sometime made for some interesting (difficult) arguments but at the end of the day it saw us through an amazing year.

The other thing that has struck me over these last months is how easy it is to miss the quality of life; excellence. While Greg was sick we were almost forced to respect every moment and be acutely aware of how we were spending our time. We got down to true basics and really focused moment to moment. It became really important to recognize, maintain and preserve each moment that came our way. Thankfully there was no shortage of experience! Since Greg’s passing I have certainly missed him physically although there have been many times that I have felt his presence while looking through pictures and videos. In many ways he is still here and will be as long as we choose to let the memories continue and flourish.

Another stark realization is that I really miss the intensity of the last year. Each day felt packed with such richness that even in the hardest moments the days were full. Now it’s easy for me to see and feel hollow moments as I spend a lot more time by myself. But I have also realized that intensity and fullness of life are a choice. We chose to live full lives in light of Greg’s illness. I must choose to live a full life in light of his passing. All the moments were there before he was sick, we just didn’t notice them the same way. Now I have to look at the moments and events with my new eyes and decide to recognize them, maintain them, and continue to preserve them the same way otherwise the lesson of “quality of life” is lost on me as well.

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Settling in to our new identity

Things have been so busy for us. We have been out-of-town twice in the last five weeks as well as a week of VBS. There has been little time just hanging around the house. Next week we will have more company and then a week after that school starts. Wow – The summer is already in its final days. I am sure we would have been busy even if Greg were still with us just not this busy. He was a little more reserved than I am about being on the move. Truth be told it’s probably a coping mechanism as well. 

 I am also realizing life as a single mom and how much time and energy it takes. This is another “new” that I wasn’t able to put myself in. It tough to be the mom and dad 24-7. There are so many little things that Greg was able to help with even if it was just lending an ear. So even the most disconnected parent is still a part of the total equation. For those of you who can get frustrated with your other half, just saying!?! I am so grateful for the help that I have had with the kids so I can have some breaks. It would be ridiculous otherwise.

We seem to be getting to a point where life is on auto-pilot again. I still think of Greg everyday. Each of my decisions are still made with his wishes in mind but these are not sad times. I know that we have been given more than we deserve and I am equally aware that our journey has been much easier than some others that I have seen. Greg continues to take good care of us.

Interestingly, there has been one thing that has been bothering me a bit.  I just couldn’t put my finger on it until this week. I received a letter and a note from the hospice service as a follow-up. Inside was an article about the Mourner’s six reconciliation needs and the idea I was searching for. Here are the needs:

• Acknowledging the reality of death – check
•  Embracing the pain of loss – check
• Remembering the person who died – check
• Developing a new self-identity – no check
• Search for meaning – no check
• Receive on going support from others – check

The feelings I have been wrestling with were five and six on the list. I was pretty amazed although it looks like it’s fairly common otherwise it wouldn’t be in an article.

I know we have talked a lot about Greg’s life, sickness, and death and how much we and others have been able to draw from it. There is nothing that can ever diminish that. In his absence it’s hard to see the meaning as clearly as I did when he was still here. All you had to do was look at anyone he was with and you could see instantly the effect he had on them; that happened almost everyday. Since those times are gone it’s been hard to see value in his death. I have to continue to draw on memories to remind me that the value was in his life.

Second is developing a new identity. It’s hard to go from being married to being single and from being ‘parents’ to being a parent. I know there have been many times I would have loved to be the final say in a matter but there was a safety net in a collective decision. I have always been super independent and what I consider self-sufficient. Now I have to decide for myself and the kids hoping that I made a good choices. Funny that is the same thing I get onto them about! Making good choices.

I think the most challenging thing we will do as a family is to have a new identity but it looks as though it’s an important part of the grief process.

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Post cruise update.

Well the cruise was great, especially through the eyes of the children. It’s hard not to have a great time with anything Disney although there were some challenging moments.

First off, I didn’t factor in the single parent issue. Actually, I don’t think I could have because I never know when it’s going to be a part of the equation. Once we got on the ship it was a little stressful keeping the kids at my side in a completely unfamiliar environment. It rained just when we stepped on board the ship so everyone ended up in the Cabanas eating. It was literally elbow room only. I remember thinking if this is it we are in some serious trouble!!!

Second, I had a few things planned for my self. The first was a massage at the beach which was ridiculously awesome….reality check was about 20 minutes later when I went to get the kids in the secured programming area Scutler’s Cove on the island. Garrett promptly announced ” it was the baddest place EVER!”. He was really unhappy about being forced into crafts on the beach when he had not had a chance to look around yet. So I burned myself on the secured areas right off the bat. At one point I used it as a threat…. If y’all don’t behave you are going to the Oceaneer’s lab the rest of the day! Thankfully they warmed back up to the idea the second to the last day. The only problem with it was once I dropped them off I didn’t have anyone to talk to nor did I know anyone else on the boat. It felt weird to be completely alone. Secretly I found it comforting to have the kids with me even if I was barking at them to straighten up.

We had a really great time at dinner each night. We met a wonderful couple and their son from the UK who had the unfortunate privilege of dining with a couple very weary kids at 8:15 each night. We usually eat around six at home so that was really late for us. The kids turned really silly about 10 minutes after we would sit down. It was super nice to see the same faces each night. By the end of our trip no one had to make excuses for tired kiddies!

So overall it was a nice trip but it was difficult on me for a couple reasons. It was our first trip without Greg. We had adapted over the months as he was unable to contribute around the house without it really being an issue. Being in a completely new environment highlighted his absence in a big way. In my mind, I pictured a super relaxing cruise. Truth be told it was tiring. There were no lifeguards so I had to follow the kids around to be sure the other 13,000 people in the pool didn’t drown, cut, pee or throw up in their immediate vicinity. If you didn’t get the drift, the adults were outnumbered like 4 to 1. All the kids seemed to want to do was swim so it was always packed. There was a point at which I wasn’t sure if I could fit my big toe in the water. That was just a bit too much closeness for me.

I am glad we went even though it wasn’t as picture perfect as it was in my mind. We were forced to disconnect and I learned a lot about our little family and myself as usual. I think it also allowed me to let my guard down a bit. I had some real lonely moments, some tears, and some times I felt like we were making progress. I guess you can’t ask for much more than that.

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