Things have been so busy for us. We have been out-of-town twice in the last five weeks as well as a week of VBS. There has been little time just hanging around the house. Next week we will have more company and then a week after that school starts. Wow – The summer is already in its final days. I am sure we would have been busy even if Greg were still with us just not this busy. He was a little more reserved than I am about being on the move. Truth be told it’s probably a coping mechanism as well.
I am also realizing life as a single mom and how much time and energy it takes. This is another “new” that I wasn’t able to put myself in. It tough to be the mom and dad 24-7. There are so many little things that Greg was able to help with even if it was just lending an ear. So even the most disconnected parent is still a part of the total equation. For those of you who can get frustrated with your other half, just saying!?! I am so grateful for the help that I have had with the kids so I can have some breaks. It would be ridiculous otherwise.
We seem to be getting to a point where life is on auto-pilot again. I still think of Greg everyday. Each of my decisions are still made with his wishes in mind but these are not sad times. I know that we have been given more than we deserve and I am equally aware that our journey has been much easier than some others that I have seen. Greg continues to take good care of us.
Interestingly, there has been one thing that has been bothering me a bit. I just couldn’t put my finger on it until this week. I received a letter and a note from the hospice service as a follow-up. Inside was an article about the Mourner’s six reconciliation needs and the idea I was searching for. Here are the needs:
- Acknowledging the reality of death – check
- Embracing the pain of loss – check
- Remembering the person who died – check
- Developing a new self-identity – no check
- Search for meaning – no check
- Receive on going support from others – check
The feelings I have been wrestling with were five and six on the list. I was pretty amazed although it looks like it’s fairly common otherwise it wouldn’t be in an article.
I know we have talked a lot about Greg’s life, sickness, and death and how much we and others have been able to draw from it. There is nothing that can ever diminish that. In his absence it’s hard to see the meaning as clearly as I did when he was still here. All you had to do was look at anyone he was with and you could see instantly the effect he had on them; that happened almost everyday. Since those times are gone it’s been hard to see value in his death. I have to continue to draw on memories to remind me that the value was in his life.
Second is developing a new identity. It’s hard to go from being married to being single and from being ‘parents’ to being a parent. I know there have been many times I would have loved to be the final say in a matter but there was a safety net in a collective decision. I have always been super independent and what I consider self-sufficient. Now I have to decide for myself and the kids hoping that I made a good choices. Funny that is the same thing I get onto them about! Making good choices.
I think the most challenging thing we will do as a family is to have a new identity but it looks as though it’s an important part of the grief process.
Greg and Michelle Foster Blog 